Complete Catharsis
I thought this would be okay. I thought everything would work its self out. I thought both parties would be happy. I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought wrong, really utterly and completely wrong. How could this happen? Well you see, this is exactly how it happened. Exactly how I knew it would happen. Didn’t want to think that though. But everything was in place for it to happen, when things are taken back because of emotion of the other, its not real. Not really meant to be taken back, just to make the other feel better. But its what was said first that can’t be taken back, not this time. Especially not this time. You didn’t have to cut me like that. It was one of those cuts that people say “lucky it didn’t get the muscles, otherwise you’d be screwed”. But what they don’t see, is that it did hit the muscle. Not just the wall, it went all the way through, and in fact, this time, it will mess me up. Probably never be the same again kind of messed up, as if I wasn’t already, just know that you were able to help create the peice of work that I am. I knew you would do this though, so in some ways its my fault . I always believed you too. Like when you kept saying how you knew me so well, but why didn’t you know that would hurt me? A little peice of me thinks you knew, saying that to send me off. Finishing everything once and for all, because in reality I knew that you’d already given up and even stopped caring. Always saying how everyone else thought we were so perfectly fine, just because you could hide it so well… But now I think people should know. Our relationship was crap. We fought all the time, neither of us trusted the other, it was always for the other parts of relationships and not really love. We spent most of our weekends together crying in his room. I missed so many events and things with my friends because of us that I couldn’t even begin to count them. We lied to each other too. Had nothing in common and couldn’t ever agree. There are things I hated about his family that I would never say aloud. There were times when I would just agree because disagreeing caused too much of an issue. There was a time when I ruined my best friends one and possibly only trip to London becaue of him lying to my face and me finding out later through other means. There were times I lied to my friends and family because of him. There were times when I would just sit in my car and cry, times when I would drive home barely even being able to see the road because I was crying too much. And there are things I even regret doing. My friends said I’ve changed because of you, I regret that the most. I regret changing over the loss of time, love and money spent on you everyday. It’s not the end of the world, and I know it. But its hard to get over the memory of you holding me and accept that I’m alone now. It’s hard to stop checking my phone for texts, and to hang out with friends, to see other couples, and to be the one of a pair without another, to sit and be bored, to come home with a red face from crying, to talk about relationships to people, to lie to my friends saying I’m napping when I’m really not. It’s hardest though to sit there and allow my mind to wander. It’s even harder though to sit here now and want nothing other than someone to sit and hold me and say its gonna be okay and want that person to be you, all while knowing that you are the one who did this to me. I feel bad when I think how I want you to feel guilty. So guilty that you puke, just because you always threatened it to make me feel guilty on the flipside. Not this time, I know I should feel guilty because I think I might like someone, but you had no reason to tell me… Not yet. Especially not today. But I feel nothing at all, except for the loss. What does one do when they’re alone now? It would not have been this bad if you had just kept your stupid mouth shut. But you never could. I now have the rest of the day, or what daytime is left anyways, to do whatever I fucking feel like doing. Because the day that I had planned was canceled so abruptly within seeing you for ten minutes for the first time in two weeks. All I have to do now is sit and wait. Wait for my face to dry. Wait for my nose to stop dripping. Wait for my eyes to stop being puffy. Wait for my mom to check on me. Wait for my “nap” to be over. It’s somewhat a relief now, not always having to reply, having free time, having friends that are boys, and most of all not having to help you on your stupid ass lit papers. Don’t get me wrong though, for the time I was happy, those first few months, I enjoyed being with you. Good memories, things I’ll never forget and things I’ll try every night to forget will remind me of us. But I can’t tell you this, most likely because I would breakdown with the sight of you. Thats what this is for, a way to tell you, a way to forget, a way to move on and most importantly a way to stop myself from crying because when my friends ask, nothing will change my good mood. I’m glad you’re happy, I’m glad you found someone so soon and I’m glad you’re too stupid to know that you shouldn’t have said anything. Good luck with future relationships, but don’t tell me that the only reason you like her is because she reminds you of me. I am like no other and I am my own standard. But if you read this, know I don’t hate you, I simply have no emotion towards you whatsoever. Tell me how you want to be in my life all you want, but the only thing you’ll be from now on is a memory. So this, this is goodbye. A goodbye I won’t ever be able to give you. Quite pathetic of me really, posting on the internet so my friends can see, but I know they won’t read this in its entirety and even if they do, I won’t care. But part of me wants someone to know how I feel, even if they never bring it up to my face, I just want anyone to know something. So goodbye and happy birthday Patrick. You really made it special this year.
I’m so stupid. Like overwhelmingly, extraordinaraly, intensively stupid. But being this stupid isn’t the worst part of it, I hate myself for it too.
